torien (torien) wrote,

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where's you put the keys girl

life is funny i'm sitting here fighting like a dog to feel ok in this skin and i don't i feel like shit. they upped my dose to 100mgs of topomax my arms are numb, ididn't eat for 3 days fasting had to be broken cuz we went to eat for riches birthday and i didn't want it to be a issue. i hate finding myself back here i just slowly slipped bit by bit. the scale being my juge and jury everyday. ppl going oh you look so much better these's days yeah i'm sure i do. yeah right. i see someone who is large at a all you can eat place and freak thinking i'm going to look like that. i feel like i'm 19 again and i'm on my way back to charter and then i think i need to get a grip on this fast before it's out of control and i'm losing my hair again but then i'm like wait i like this feeling i'm so fucked up sometimes.
how is it a brain can work out like this?
like if i haven't eatten in 3 days do i really need to go up stair and take 6 laxtives ? i don't think so but i know that i will and i know that i won't be able to look in the mirro again cuz i'll be pissed that i ate, cuz fat ppl should get hungery and brandon my shrink says there's a healthy way to do things and and a bad way and i'm making a choice and i know that somehow i do but somehow it doesn't feel like a choice it feel like it just is how it is . i don't see myself as this control freak but you know i have to be cuz fuck isn't that what this is all about ? self injury? eatting it's all the same fucking thing just differnt ways. i don't know anymore i just know that somewhere between the self hate and the bull shit there has be just a little bit of myself and i keep trying to find her but i don't know where she is. i don't know who the fuck i am as a person or what it is i want i haven't asked myself that nither has anybody else really brandon did it made me jumpy cuz if you don't know who you are how can make up a call like that? i know my feelings and sometimes i can't even trust those very much they get me in a place that is so blurry that i get lost in this far off place inside my mind. i guess i have all the fucking answers inside my head but i forgot where i put the keys that so like me
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