torien (torien) wrote,

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so i'm in group today with these 3 other women and it's just a weird place to be in the 1st place a room full of ppl who are dealing with same shit about there abuse. tonight we talked about anger.... ok anger somehow we got on that topic of are you anger at the person who did this to you? ......... fuck! somehow inside my head i know i should see it as i was in a fucked up place at a fucked up time so there for i am a fucked reaction to a fucked up thing. but feeling fucked up at fucked up time in a fucked up place is not fucked up.
somehow inside my head i think i should of killed my father or i should of called the cops or i should of ran away or something. then i came up with this idea that the 1st night it happend if i would of just went to bed somehow it wouldn't of happend and brandon had to fight like a dog to be like that's fucked up so if your cousin doesn't go to bad on time it's ok for her to get raped by her father??? and i'm like NO he's like ok so then why for you is it? i think your looking way to hard for why and i am and i do. i'm a person that belives in fate but where does this shit come into play? how is that fate? i guess i want a reason and there never will be a reason that is good enough for what happend. i know that deep down i could call up my father and say why did you do this to me and he could say he was a weak and sad man who couldn't control himself but that's not going to make it better.
so what do i do then to take this shit and make it somehow better cuz brandon is like talk about it get it out of yourself your driving yourself crazy. talking about it is kool it's better then going and killing myself or hurting myself. however it opens more fucking doors and i knew i had doors that held alot in but i didn't know it was so many. i'm afraid all the god damn time pretty much of what it is inside my mind that i'm not letting out. i don't know who knew dealing with your own self was such a hard fucking thing to go inisde and cut yourself into bits and look around. i don't know.
i see one of those ppl who tell u how eat, wed. i know that it's kinda something i should do cuz i don't want to walk that fine line of having a eating disorder again however yet and still i tryed to eat like a noraml girl and gained back like a little weight and flipped out. i need to chill the fuck out. well i should bounce just had to scream a bit on line
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