torien (torien) wrote,
torien
torien

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I KNOW IT HAPPEND AGAIN IT'S MANIC

now those words to a bipolar person are damn near like free crack to a crack whore. i think it's you spend a long time waitng around for it to pop up it's like your number being called at the dmv where it feels like you've waited a like time and even if there bitch ass person when you get up there your happy to see someone. manic kinda works like that cuz by the time your done with your trip into manic land you haven't eatten in days or very little your not sleeping very much if at all, your trying to make your mind up about red or blue icey and you start crying cuz your head hurts. it's all just one of those things however everyone goes to the dmv cuz they want there freedom to drive and my freedom the closest i can come to freedom is manic i'm happy, i feel ok in this skin and that doesn't happen very often i can look at myself and not want to break the glass. the scale doesn't make up it's mind for me on what kinda day i'm going to have for me. the kitchen knife block doesn't seem to be calling me or whispering my name as i walk by on a bad day. that raw gapping hole left by my father, and all the other fucked up shit is cover over by my favorite drag show cuz i can dress up and be anything and anyone but me, i have enough make up enough to make that scar tussie less. and damn it i need that cuz brandon will tell me i can work thur it and one day i won't need to be manic to feel that hole less. yeah and one day i won't need to turn myself inside out somehow with whatever fucked up thing my head sees fit but that's
not right now not right this moment not yet. sometimes it feels like he's telling me a fairytale and i like it never got fairytales only thing is i'm not sure i belive it.
the funny thing is i can have this insight when i'm manic and it's far off or it's right on but i'm a roller coaster so it's over before i can fix something.
shelly belly called me and i was happy and she thought for sure i had had that manic high you get before you kill yourself. i was like wow that is funny i know i did that one time i went out and i had the time of my life went to this party bounced of the walls slept with guy and that girl then popped some pills and called jeff. so i guess and last week i was walking around asking about rich's gun like there is trigger lock on that fucker right???? apart of me was asking for me and another part was asking cuz there son was like i know where the gun is it's a 22 it's little and there's not trigger lock , and blah, blah, wait no stop talking about this gun.....
but hey that's why manic is good cuz hell had it not popped up what are the odds i'd be here typing this? i would of been putting my money on my ass in being dead or in the hospital cuz my head was getting a little to weird for me and lets face the only good friend i have these's days are jenn and D they let me chill out over there and there pretty damn kool. so yeah but i've been sitting her way to long i gotta bounce later me
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