torien (torien) wrote,

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a bad walk to be forgotten

well what the fuck .... well brandon is a big fan of me not hurting myself and hey i'm all about that too, but sometimes it just seems easier to use a blade then to try and be good. i just don't have good coping tools but i'm trying me and brandon came up with 20 things to do before i get to go and fuck myself up one of them is get of the house and go for a walk good idea but maybe not at 3am when bars close cuz then you run into drunks and thry goes to kiss you cheek and call you a slut and your alreay having a hard night and you just spent 8 week in rape group in part cuz of guys like this so your in no mood for him and his aray of shit so when he goes to kiss you on the cheek and your frozen in place you snap and fill with this rage and out of no where you bitch smack him and a part of you is like wow that felt great till he says " i always like it when they fight back makes it more fun." and he slams your back to the wall of the bar and he dry fucking you more a less and you scream and slaps you the whole thing is over in 15 mintues thank god and he walks away and i fall to ground and cry for ten minutes. i'm getting really drunk right now.
so the lesson learned don't slap a drunk even if there fucking with you. that two mintues of feeling better was not worth the after shock. it's not as bad as it could of been that's all i need to remember about this. i'm such a dumb ass for of gone out that late in the 1st place. i know better . ugh....
note to self don't call jeff do to lack of ppl to talk to during a hard time cuz he says the wrong thing 9 times out of 10. he thinks i should call the cops like what are they going to do for me... yeah hi last night at 3am when i went out for a walk to keep myself from cutting myself. this drunk guy called me a slut and and when he walked past me i froze in place and when he went to kiss me on the cheek i slap him and he did this fucked up thing. and i know the cops there going to say what was i doing out at 3am?? couldn't i of picked a better time to go for a walk. what did he look like?? 6'5 about 300-350, mullet brown , and brown eyes's, wearing a black t-shirt and blue jeans. where did he go after it happened.. i don't know i dropped to the ground and was crying i didn't look up. either why this town is full of mullets,and i'm not sure i would know him if i saw him again. i just keep looking at the sky, i just didn't want to be there so i tryed to put my mind somewhere else. i don't know i can look at it as this fucked up thing that happend, and somehow be ok with it, but not if i go the way jeff wants me to i don't need the drama. i just need to kinda be like this fucked up thing happend, i need to tell a few ppl so they know and then move on that's it. i don't need the drama. it's that easy. fuck jeff like he has any idea what i'm going thur fuck him.
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