torien (torien) wrote,

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eatind disorder

well my life is my eating disorder and i've tried to tell everybody differnt and the only who didn't see thur my bullshit was brandon and tori bless him. i start out doing things for him to keep him on my side cuz i feel like i need that and he know that and in the end i end up helping myself. that is one smart fucking man. who in the last 6 months has saved my life a few times.
however i get so fucking confused and lost with this eating disorder shit cuz i want it somehow i want to be 100lbs and i want that skin and bones. and i know that that is just not the right thing to think. i get that, i do but how do i get that thought to change? when asked what my goal weight was i said i didn't have one then i hung up the phone and said 105 and then said shit ..... and almost cried cuz that another 90lbs i need to lose and there's no way brandon will stand by me and watch me do that or a few other ppl. and so i'm like ugh... how do i retrain myself last time somehow all shit was about making jeff jump, to make him look and care but that's not what i's about this time. i don't know what it's about this time. other then to lose myself. to disapper. i just don't get it. ugh..... i've lost about 25% of myself and i'm still not happy 100lbs and i'm still not done. what the fuck is wrong with me???? ok i'm done i need to see brandon 3 times and still go to partial lol
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