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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in torien's LiveJournal:

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Monday, May 9th, 2005
11:27 pm
lovely day
the day was lovely as I dropped off my last paper for school, cleaned out my locker and said yay cuz that's the way I was feeling.
I got a New CAR a Chevy Cavalar 99' cherry red, it's super kool.
It runs really great, and I got a sweet deal.
my old car was a POS but this car is sweet.
oh and I'm soon going to be packing, my mom is getting a duplex and that is lovely as well.
we'll be under the same roof but not really.
we pay a lot for rent here and with the down payment money coming from my grandmother's estate, we can buy this duplex and we can set it up to split everything plus I get it free & clear one day being an only child.
so I'll have a yard and a puppy and some kids pretty soon yay... oh and a great job when I get out of college. I made a ton of friends this term, and they're so kool, I love them a lot.
I'm going to look into a small part time job to start saving for my trip over sea's, I can't make up my mind between London or semester at sea.
I have time
well ta-ta

Current Mood: pleased
Friday, March 11th, 2005
12:00 pm
OK I'm happy I just got a signed Tori Amos book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Life is sweet.

Current Mood: thankful
Monday, December 27th, 2004
11:07 am
long december
wow I haven't been here in such a long time. I'm not really that girl anymore, thanks to alot of therapy and the right medication combo. lets see where to start.
-I went back to school got my Ged
-got into Alverno an over priced all girls school but I love it there with small class sizes and professer who know your name and care about you passing the class.
-I moved home but not like some losers who move home cuz there with out jobs or goals, i moved home cuz I didn't have a lot of options at the time and also for college.
-I got a new cat shadow so cute.
-I drive now
- I got a car a mazda 323 red
- I went horse back riding and i know that may not seem huge the old me would of never of gone.
- I joined a bunch of groups at school and it's totally fun just being a college kid pretty much, I feel like a teenager at age 25.
-I can't think of one thing I need right now but my grandmother who past away in November, but she's with me always
- so yeah it's all good

Current Mood: accomplished
Friday, November 15th, 2002
7:54 pm
eatind disorder
well my life is my eating disorder and i've tried to tell everybody differnt and the only who didn't see thur my bullshit was brandon and tori bless him. i start out doing things for him to keep him on my side cuz i feel like i need that and he know that and in the end i end up helping myself. that is one smart fucking man. who in the last 6 months has saved my life a few times.
however i get so fucking confused and lost with this eating disorder shit cuz i want it somehow i want to be 100lbs and i want that skin and bones. and i know that that is just not the right thing to think. i get that, i do but how do i get that thought to change? when asked what my goal weight was i said i didn't have one then i hung up the phone and said 105 and then said shit ..... and almost cried cuz that another 90lbs i need to lose and there's no way brandon will stand by me and watch me do that or a few other ppl. and so i'm like ugh... how do i retrain myself last time somehow all shit was about making jeff jump, to make him look and care but that's not what i's about this time. i don't know what it's about this time. other then to lose myself. to disapper. i just don't get it. ugh..... i've lost about 25% of myself and i'm still not happy 100lbs and i'm still not done. what the fuck is wrong with me???? ok i'm done i need to see brandon 3 times and still go to partial lol

Current Mood: confused
Tuesday, September 17th, 2002
3:00 am
today was the frist day i played it stright in awhile no diet pills, no huge amounts of coffee to keep me going and i spent half the day on the futon just resting in a week i've eating 3 times, i've had 64 oz's of ice tea, 2lbs of ribs, 2 lg orders of fries(this food place has a rib dinner on thursday night my mom order three and left one extra down here. )when she came down and had dinner and one bag of pop corn and 2 can of cherry pepis how would that look if i handed that into to brandon as my food log?
i looked into roger as a treatment for eating disorders they said they would call back they didn't. call me lastnight i don't know if they got my phone number down wrong or what the deal is but i have to call them in the morning and see what the deal is.if i go i'll be gone for about two weeks. i don't know i'm not really kool with anything right now i want to talk to brandon really bad but i can't i'm really afraid of what that guy has to say to me as a matter a fact i don't know how i ended up here again i don't know it just fucking happend this time there wansn't anything huge that happend that triggered it. it just kinda slipped in it was like a old t-shirt you like to wear you just throw it on cuz you like to wear it.
i wasn't even worried about it till my hair started to thin out and i've been taking every vitimin knowen to man, but then again when your only eating maybe 3 times a week or less your body is going hey lady, that's not enough.
i told brandon it's had to hate myself so much, and he said yeah i bet you put a lot of time into that one my friend and i don't see why you do it and i don't know why i can't be ok, i don't know why it's never enough. i don't why i'm never done. my father was a talent man to have fucked me up this much and my mother too cuz god help me i can't be mad at my mother cuz she's like my child, i'm always walking around making sure she's ok. all the bad shit just kinda took over and made up who i was, i couldn't put it out of my head. i wanted to, but that shit just doesn't leave.
so yeah i'm just kinda floating here half crying half just numb, i just need things to be ok and there not ok and i don't know how to make them ok. and i fear the all powerful brandon whom i trust doesn't either cuz i'm not really all that ready to give this up yet so what to do when your afraid fo the monster inside your head? i wish there was a pill that could take out that parts that could take out the tainted parts of yourself that seem to do nothing but harm you. that's a grand idea

Current Mood: melancholy
Wednesday, September 11th, 2002
2:44 am
brandons progress notes
well how is it i pay brandon 125 bucks a week and i end up on here anyways .... lol well i got chucked in a half ass way and it was kinda funny to me.
i went in there and said this was my half week cuz i just saw him thursday and it's tuesday and he went well damn girl, your never lacking things to do are you?
he backed me on the guy who attacked me outside the bar, if anything the cops where going to do nothing then rip into me for being out at 3am and shit like that, cuz cudahy is a fucked up city. then he said jeff may of been trying to help but he should of asked what i wanted to do, not just order me around and if he was so worried note how he hasn't call so whatever.....
then yo and chris whille they bring up some points about my eating habits coming from her it's insulting, also i don't buy the fact that they care i think they just want shit to talk about to make themselves feel better. and that shit about pathfinders there fucking wrong to have given me the that look like i was a monster who was going to hurt those kids, it wasn't them questioning me on it i could of took that, it was them giving me that look of fear. ugh....
my homeowrk last week for brandons was to bring in food log and i didn't do it, cuz i went this is going to look bad cuz i was pretty much binge eating all week and on paper it looked massive and i freaked. so i ripped it up and he didn't like that one. he was like ummmm... so do i need to send you to eating disorder place??? no.... is all that came out of my mouth he needs to stop asking me that cuz one of these days i might fuck up and say yes and then what i lose brandon.... fuck that...
how hard is it to eat like a normal girl? fuck ? but i can't or i haven't in a long time. i can't think of how to. this somkes money pole.
so yeah then i told him it was hard to hate yourself that this much it leaves you on the floor and he was like yeah well you up a lot of time into it miss thing. then he was home work, oh god, term paper i swear write what i'm prepared to in order to start liking myself and things i already startinged to do and no like half answers he wants shorts term goals long term, thoughts so on.... and a food log or i can't come back. so groovy beans but he knows i'll do i did but he drives me nuts i'm shadow boxing in there. he kicks my ass, i'd just like to walk out of there not crying or where i haven't cried that would be good.
then to top of it i don't see him for two weeks now so ugh... so i not seem like i don't need my shrink ugh......
yeah well i'm bitching about nothing i'm a little co-dependent on my shrink who drives me fucking nuts , i think even frud who say i have issues lol i need to go

Current Mood: anxious
Sunday, September 8th, 2002
12:24 am
ppl can say some fucked up shit
today yo and chris stopped by to see if i knew when one hour photo was coming to our town and they knew i would know, after all i am into robin williams so yeah but, anyways we talked about nothing to big and then they asked me about my weight like if i was having issues with it and i don't know why i didn't i lie i these can't handel the truth, but i was like i'm working really hard to fight that part of my head that tells me to hate myself everyday, weather it's a eating issue or self injury i need to kinda wake up everyday and make up my mind if i'm going to try and like myself that day. they went ok.
then i told them i was going back to MATC and that i was going to be working at pathfinders for 12 hours a week as mentor and they got look on there face like i was unsafe for teens to be around or something and i was like what and they where like if you where us would you be worried? what does that mean? so i don't easy life and so i can't wake up everyday and say i like myself, but i would never do anything to hurt those kids, that's the way they acted like i was doing something bad for myself and those kids as if i don't know what there going thur as if i can't look at a girl was just raped a few months ago and say the right thing i was there in that place. i was 14 when that happend with shitkins and my dad that shit started when i was 11 so i think i could really help a girl come to grips with there abuse. if anything i want to fight for these kids more so then anything cuz no one was fucking there for me when i was going thur that shit.
i'm really trying to get better i'm doing the pill bit , i'm seeing brandon i did that group, i'm starting another group soon,i'm going back to school, i'm working with pathfinds and there loking at me like i'm a monster i just don't get it when did i become that bad of a person? it's not like i'm not trying, i don't know why i'm letting this get to me as much as it is ugh... i should bounce
Saturday, September 7th, 2002
4:07 am
a bad walk to be forgotten
well what the fuck .... well brandon is a big fan of me not hurting myself and hey i'm all about that too, but sometimes it just seems easier to use a blade then to try and be good. i just don't have good coping tools but i'm trying me and brandon came up with 20 things to do before i get to go and fuck myself up one of them is get of the house and go for a walk good idea but maybe not at 3am when bars close cuz then you run into drunks and thry goes to kiss you cheek and call you a slut and your alreay having a hard night and you just spent 8 week in rape group in part cuz of guys like this so your in no mood for him and his aray of shit so when he goes to kiss you on the cheek and your frozen in place you snap and fill with this rage and out of no where you bitch smack him and a part of you is like wow that felt great till he says " i always like it when they fight back makes it more fun." and he slams your back to the wall of the bar and he dry fucking you more a less and you scream and slaps you the whole thing is over in 15 mintues thank god and he walks away and i fall to ground and cry for ten minutes. i'm getting really drunk right now.
so the lesson learned don't slap a drunk even if there fucking with you. that two mintues of feeling better was not worth the after shock. it's not as bad as it could of been that's all i need to remember about this. i'm such a dumb ass for of gone out that late in the 1st place. i know better . ugh....
note to self don't call jeff do to lack of ppl to talk to during a hard time cuz he says the wrong thing 9 times out of 10. he thinks i should call the cops like what are they going to do for me... yeah hi last night at 3am when i went out for a walk to keep myself from cutting myself. this drunk guy called me a slut and and when he walked past me i froze in place and when he went to kiss me on the cheek i slap him and he did this fucked up thing. and i know the cops there going to say what was i doing out at 3am?? couldn't i of picked a better time to go for a walk. what did he look like?? 6'5 about 300-350, mullet brown , and brown eyes's, wearing a black t-shirt and blue jeans. where did he go after it happened.. i don't know i dropped to the ground and was crying i didn't look up. either why this town is full of mullets,and i'm not sure i would know him if i saw him again. i just keep looking at the sky, i just didn't want to be there so i tryed to put my mind somewhere else. i don't know i can look at it as this fucked up thing that happend, and somehow be ok with it, but not if i go the way jeff wants me to i don't need the drama. i just need to kinda be like this fucked up thing happend, i need to tell a few ppl so they know and then move on that's it. i don't need the drama. it's that easy. fuck jeff like he has any idea what i'm going thur fuck him.

Current Mood: dirty
Monday, August 26th, 2002
1:13 am
ok so i came down from that cloud and apart of me is like way glad cuz i was getting way to weird cuz i wasn't sleeping and i wasn't eating and my body was like hey lady eat something and take a chill pill we need our sleep. and on the 6th day she just fell on her face. so after hours of sleep i find i wrote something on line that i didn't think of on line hoppers so i feel like a ass, i was just venting about how something was kinda hard for me to be back a weird place and someone was part of that story that's how i got to that weird place. i didn't mean to hurt or cross a line or do anything to harm her and i hope she know that i was manic and not thinking it thur and it seems like no one reads this anyways. however i see the point. i'm just sorry to have made the person upset in anyway.
school starts in a week and i still don't have my books, yeah me. i don't know what the book ppl did cuz i was manic and put in half my adress where the card i was using on line was getting charged and half my mom's cuz that's where my mail goes. i should order things on-line while manic. i get things mixed up ugh...... ugh.... so i don't know if my books are getting lost in that mail as we speak or it's ok to reorder them i need to call these's ppl.
tabitha starts school and that makes me sad she's going to matc and she's one of the dumbest ppl i know and she was trying to buy books for her classes with a any idea as to what book she would need. she thought cuz she had a went thur orientation and had a class list with the teachers name and room number and time, so she thought she could get books i was like where does it say the name fo the books you need? you need to wait. well what the .... and she's going off on me.
then the pc at school crashed and they sad pull out the book and pick out your classes by hand you where at orientation so you know how to do this or maybe you should repeat the orientation and think about if your in the right place cuz your not doing very well already thisn't play time MS. thing and tabitha seemed to almost cry and walked away and was like help me. i'm not going to hold her hand thur this school yeah. hell no. that's all i have to say about that.
so yeah that's my so called life today.

Current Mood: awake
Wednesday, August 21st, 2002
4:46 pm
now those words to a bipolar person are damn near like free crack to a crack whore. i think it's you spend a long time waitng around for it to pop up it's like your number being called at the dmv where it feels like you've waited a like time and even if there bitch ass person when you get up there your happy to see someone. manic kinda works like that cuz by the time your done with your trip into manic land you haven't eatten in days or very little your not sleeping very much if at all, your trying to make your mind up about red or blue icey and you start crying cuz your head hurts. it's all just one of those things however everyone goes to the dmv cuz they want there freedom to drive and my freedom the closest i can come to freedom is manic i'm happy, i feel ok in this skin and that doesn't happen very often i can look at myself and not want to break the glass. the scale doesn't make up it's mind for me on what kinda day i'm going to have for me. the kitchen knife block doesn't seem to be calling me or whispering my name as i walk by on a bad day. that raw gapping hole left by my father, and all the other fucked up shit is cover over by my favorite drag show cuz i can dress up and be anything and anyone but me, i have enough make up enough to make that scar tussie less. and damn it i need that cuz brandon will tell me i can work thur it and one day i won't need to be manic to feel that hole less. yeah and one day i won't need to turn myself inside out somehow with whatever fucked up thing my head sees fit but that's
not right now not right this moment not yet. sometimes it feels like he's telling me a fairytale and i like it never got fairytales only thing is i'm not sure i belive it.
the funny thing is i can have this insight when i'm manic and it's far off or it's right on but i'm a roller coaster so it's over before i can fix something.
shelly belly called me and i was happy and she thought for sure i had had that manic high you get before you kill yourself. i was like wow that is funny i know i did that one time i went out and i had the time of my life went to this party bounced of the walls slept with guy and that girl then popped some pills and called jeff. so i guess and last week i was walking around asking about rich's gun like there is trigger lock on that fucker right???? apart of me was asking for me and another part was asking cuz there son was like i know where the gun is it's a 22 it's little and there's not trigger lock , and blah, blah, wait no stop talking about this gun.....
but hey that's why manic is good cuz hell had it not popped up what are the odds i'd be here typing this? i would of been putting my money on my ass in being dead or in the hospital cuz my head was getting a little to weird for me and lets face the only good friend i have these's days are jenn and D they let me chill out over there and there pretty damn kool. so yeah but i've been sitting her way to long i gotta bounce later me

Current Mood: bouncy
Thursday, August 15th, 2002
12:59 pm
i can be cruel i don't know why
so i was cruel and if asked for a reason i'd have to say i don't know. well ok maybe there is in fact a reason, this guy jeffy who is all into me that i meet like in the start of summer is all up in grill and i told him get your life together find a job or go back to school and maybe we can talk and his mom is treating like a child and hey if you want to be 21 living at home and have no goals then yes you get treated like a child and yes your mom should and does have the right the right to cut your internet time to 3 hours a day sorry so when he bumps into me on line and goes i have to go can i call you and i go sorry i'm on my landlords pc and he's like call me and i'm like no i'm not using there phone that's rude. and i was like well act like child and that's how you'll be treated and he was like why that was mean and i was just kind like ........ hmmmmmm...... i was more amused with myself for having said that cuz this guy needs a reality cheak more then anyone i can think of. now i know the thing that fucks me up alot is knowing what is going down in my life but this guy is other end of all that. so yeah i don't know
one the plus side i got this kool job with pathfinders that i'll start in a month info is going out in the mail and then groovy beans this is the place i really wanted to work for so yeah.... ok i'm going to bounce

Current Mood: cynical
Tuesday, August 13th, 2002
10:38 pm
tuesday i see brandon and it did not go well. every once in a while to help the helpless come into to style right? cuz that how i feel rigt now.
brandon has me in his office going what is it that i need to do to treat you better?he's lost and it's not for lack of trying on his part damn it he really is trying. he was not happy with what that lady had did last week saying that was not what he had in mind. well good same page i guess cuz i didn't either. still having issues getting that damn word on that paper out of my mind but fuck it.
he pretty much was like ok we need to get this under control, cuz i don't handel eatting disorders so if you keep this up i can't see you. - so great any other person who can walk away or just throw me away. but the plus side is i can back when i get my shit together yeah ok sure brandon. what does that look like?
ok for the most part i have some shitty friends i got jenn. that's about it. shelly only calls between he b/f's and going out to party., jeff doesn't care enough to call and calling him is like a joke. tabitha will tell me to prey and then go on about her life and not hear one word i have to say. yo is a friendship that is old but new lost touch and we just started talking and she never could deal with the crazy part of my life. so no. mikey but whatever i haven't talked to him in while and hey if seeing a freind in coffin isn't enough to make you hold your friends a bit closer to you then nothing will. so i guess. mikey is gone and that's kool i knew that in the back of my head. then we have rich and christi who are family pretty much and family is diffent. family you can talk to but only so much cuz u see these ppl everyday or you don't want to hurt them or whatever so i'm pretty fucked i have one good friend who give a fuck about me and then a bunch of friends who just don't care.
then i have ppl who get paid to help who are going i'm sorry i'm all out of idea's and i'm feeling like hell. cuz i don't trust a lot of ppl i trust brandon and his chucking me pretty much and then my friends suck and i'm fighting my own self. i don't even know in the end who is going to win that one.
this hurts a lot. i gotta bounce

Current Mood: crushed
Wednesday, August 7th, 2002
10:52 am
bad morning
ok so i went to that wonderful person who tells you how to eat. who says this is a meal and this is how much a girl your age should eat and how much of this you need and so on.
we talked for about 2 mintues i shit you not and it was like, you hight 5'7 your weight ### not sharing here sorry. then it was like how much do you work out, well i guess i go walking about 2 times a week for about 1/2 a hour. then it turned in to ok on a normal day what do you eat??
"well depends on where i'm at inside my head"
either i'm gaining 100lbs or losing 100lbs"
so your food controls you?
oh well that's a eatting disorder dear and i can't really help u with that so i won't bill u for this appointment however lets see what i can show you and it was all shit we kinda learned in highschool the food chart and things of that sort. i don't know she gave me a card of someone who works with eatting disorder and asked me to call but said she wasn't sure she took my insur. and that if she didn't i should save up and go see her. i just laughted inside my head. took my little info pack it and was like thank u.
however the nice post note to this and the thing that will stick in the back of my head more so then anything else is going to be the damn slip that my pill doctor wrote for me to see this damn lady, saying that obsity was the reason not eatting isssues not, not eatting disorder, but fucking obsity as if i haven't lost over 50lbs in less then 3 months. as if my mind isn't fucked up when it comes to eating this is what he writes down. ugh.......
so be it fuck it i don't care i am whatever it is i am

Current Mood: melancholy
Monday, August 5th, 2002
9:22 pm
so i'm in group today with these 3 other women and it's just a weird place to be in the 1st place a room full of ppl who are dealing with same shit about there abuse. tonight we talked about anger.... ok anger somehow we got on that topic of are you anger at the person who did this to you? ......... fuck! somehow inside my head i know i should see it as i was in a fucked up place at a fucked up time so there for i am a fucked reaction to a fucked up thing. but feeling fucked up at fucked up time in a fucked up place is not fucked up.
somehow inside my head i think i should of killed my father or i should of called the cops or i should of ran away or something. then i came up with this idea that the 1st night it happend if i would of just went to bed somehow it wouldn't of happend and brandon had to fight like a dog to be like that's fucked up so if your cousin doesn't go to bad on time it's ok for her to get raped by her father??? and i'm like NO he's like ok so then why for you is it? i think your looking way to hard for why and i am and i do. i'm a person that belives in fate but where does this shit come into play? how is that fate? i guess i want a reason and there never will be a reason that is good enough for what happend. i know that deep down i could call up my father and say why did you do this to me and he could say he was a weak and sad man who couldn't control himself but that's not going to make it better.
so what do i do then to take this shit and make it somehow better cuz brandon is like talk about it get it out of yourself your driving yourself crazy. talking about it is kool it's better then going and killing myself or hurting myself. however it opens more fucking doors and i knew i had doors that held alot in but i didn't know it was so many. i'm afraid all the god damn time pretty much of what it is inside my mind that i'm not letting out. i don't know who knew dealing with your own self was such a hard fucking thing to go inisde and cut yourself into bits and look around. i don't know.
i see one of those ppl who tell u how eat, wed. i know that it's kinda something i should do cuz i don't want to walk that fine line of having a eating disorder again however yet and still i tryed to eat like a noraml girl and gained back like a little weight and flipped out. i need to chill the fuck out. well i should bounce just had to scream a bit on line

Current Mood: depressed
Wednesday, July 24th, 2002
1:33 pm
where's you put the keys girl
life is funny i'm sitting here fighting like a dog to feel ok in this skin and i don't i feel like shit. they upped my dose to 100mgs of topomax my arms are numb, ididn't eat for 3 days fasting had to be broken cuz we went to eat for riches birthday and i didn't want it to be a issue. i hate finding myself back here i just slowly slipped bit by bit. the scale being my juge and jury everyday. ppl going oh you look so much better these's days yeah i'm sure i do. yeah right. i see someone who is large at a all you can eat place and freak thinking i'm going to look like that. i feel like i'm 19 again and i'm on my way back to charter and then i think i need to get a grip on this fast before it's out of control and i'm losing my hair again but then i'm like wait i like this feeling i'm so fucked up sometimes.
how is it a brain can work out like this?
like if i haven't eatten in 3 days do i really need to go up stair and take 6 laxtives ? i don't think so but i know that i will and i know that i won't be able to look in the mirro again cuz i'll be pissed that i ate, cuz fat ppl should get hungery and brandon my shrink says there's a healthy way to do things and and a bad way and i'm making a choice and i know that somehow i do but somehow it doesn't feel like a choice it feel like it just is how it is . i don't see myself as this control freak but you know i have to be cuz fuck isn't that what this is all about ? self injury? eatting it's all the same fucking thing just differnt ways. i don't know anymore i just know that somewhere between the self hate and the bull shit there has be just a little bit of myself and i keep trying to find her but i don't know where she is. i don't know who the fuck i am as a person or what it is i want i haven't asked myself that nither has anybody else really brandon did it made me jumpy cuz if you don't know who you are how can make up a call like that? i know my feelings and sometimes i can't even trust those very much they get me in a place that is so blurry that i get lost in this far off place inside my mind. i guess i have all the fucking answers inside my head but i forgot where i put the keys that so like me

Current Mood: anxious
Saturday, June 29th, 2002
7:34 pm
new pills
so here is my so called life monday i go see the pill doctor that brandon says i need to see i go ok fine i guess i go see him he throws me on a mood stable pill and some pill to help me sleep ok good deal what ever, monday i my head starts to hurt but it goes away tuesday i feel fine wedsday i drop the damn pill in the water before i take it and the coating comes off and i'm sick as a dog the rest of the day, thursday i feel alright till i eat and while all this is going on i'm to meet jenn and D but i'm throwing up all over richards couch and myself going oh shit i'm sorry and as i stand up i just fall right back down so christi walks me upstairs to helps me into the bath tub the door bell is ringing call it old bitchiness between those two but chirsti won't stick her head out the window and tell jenn i just threw up all over myself and the couch and that i just can't do anything right now. so i'm just like ugh... i feel so gross and i'm thinking jenn is going to be pissed at me and she has every right to be but at the sametime i didn't ask to get hella sick and just ugh....... so that was thursday firday was hard as well saturday was so/so so far and i don't know about anything else. so this is life on meds my arms go numb, i'm talking half ass more so then normal. i can't hold a thought, i'm dizzy all the time, i can't eat, they say this shit fades with time i'm wondering how so when all there going to do is up the dose. ok i'm done feeling sorry for myself i'm going to bounce

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Sunday, June 23rd, 2002
3:09 pm
this guy jeffy
ok so this guy named jeffy not my jeff but jeffy i meet him at this wedding tabitha took me to, and he wasn't anything great to look at and that doesn't really matter to me so he starts talking to me and i'm like ok i guess cuz this was a lame wedding anyways. he's 21 and lives at home doesn't have a job and has a bad dating history but i'm like hey he's 21 and your 20's are all about finding yourself. so i talk to him the last two weeks and found out that he thinks school is a big waste of time i'm like oh dear, cuz school is a big thing for me. he didn't even get done with highschool and has no plans for a ged or anything. so i think maybe he's the kinda guy who needs a push or someone to back him. so i tell him look i'll help u if u want help. he says he does and comes up with a millon and one reasons why he can't go back or what he's afraid of. i'm like look it's on you what you want to do with your life.
so we went round and round he's saying he's dumb i'm saying anyone can learn, he says ppl talk shit about him i say fuck them, he says how do i know your not going to leave me? i say where getting ahead of ourselves. then i say drop it your not your ready to deal with your life and i don't have time for this so he's like your dumping me i said look you need to do more with your life then live at home and do nothing you need to be a work in movement. he gets all hush hush and then he's like well what if i get a job and make good money i said your still going to get doors slammed in your face cuz you don't have that slip of paper. and how do u plan on getting a good job you said you won't even take a bus cuz your afraid you'll get lost. he once again gets all hush hush on me and i'm like call me when you want to get your shit together. he hung up opps he makes me feel all bad but whatever
i'm a pretty fucked up person on a normal day but baby sitting someone is not my thing so ugh...........
oh well his lose not mine how can a person at 21 be so sad???

Current Mood: annoyed
Wednesday, June 12th, 2002
7:01 am
dead hope
they say when a baby dies it's a lot of dead hope well today jr would of been 23 and it's a lot of dead hope or a lot of this isn't how it should be. i'm sad for jr and his family. just thought i'd put that down on paper somewhere.

Current Mood: numb
Monday, June 10th, 2002
6:53 pm
ok so i went to my 1st shrink apptment in a long long time and when they said what are you looking for??? i said i wanted someone like sean off good will hunting. someone who would say i think not and so on. or that i was full of shit. i don't want someone to hold my hand and say i'm sorry all that fucked up shit happend to you now what do u think about it? that makes me wanna scream.
this guy didn't do this he sat me down and said
< so what bring you here? >
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<i [...] don't>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

ok so i went to my 1st shrink apptment in a long long time and when they said what are you looking for??? i said i wanted someone like sean off good will hunting. someone who would say i think not and so on. or that i was full of shit. i don't want someone to hold my hand and say i'm sorry all that fucked up shit happend to you now what do u think about it? that makes me wanna scream.
this guy didn't do this he sat me down and said
< so what bring you here? >
<<i don't know really>>
<well don't u think u should know?>
<<well i guess>>
<so what do u hope to get out of this?>
<<well i have to many bottons,and when they get pushed i don't like it>>
<so what happends when a botton gets pressed?>
<<i don't know. things just bug me for days, and i can't sleep>>
<so are you on meds>
<<no haven't found one that works for me>>
<well do u wannna be on meds?>>
<<i don't know>>
<<i like being manic, when i can >>
<well being manic is like being a JUNKING AND saying i like drugs i just don't like paying for it>
<<well i don't do drugs>>
<well more ppl die each year from bipolar then say a coke habit>
<i just don't see it>
<well how about you come back next week, with a list written down with what you want out of this cuz i can't see why your here if everything is working out for you>
(this is where i start crying for no reason)
<<i just want to feel ok in my skin>>
<well how are you going to do that?>
<<i don't know there are to many flood gates, don't you think it could kill a girl>>
<i've never seen anybody walk away more broken then before they came here>
<i'm not going to bring you to a unsafe place till i'm sure your safe. >
<<so when do i know i'm safe>>
< when things seem more in control>
<i'm not going to have you bring up something painful with out knowing you'll be alright>
<<ok then>>
<alright here's the thing, no bull shit you fuck around and don't go on meds i won't see you>
(ok is it just me or is that a little harsh???)
<ok then>
and that was my shrink appt.
fucked up hey.
i hated him while he busted my chops however i loved the fact that he didn't let me short change myself and pussyfoot out of it. ugh....
maybe it was the love sick reject thing, i know that works with jeff and with this guy i wanna help you however ... so hmmm ok then i should bounce

Current Mood: melancholy
4:50 am
ok so i had a very long weekend one of those weekends that by the end of it your sleepy your shaking and cold. thusday i went by jenn's her and D have a cute apartment. and i got to see levon and he got over that whole let's hit leslie so yay! even better he thinks i'm a gym to play on but that's kool, better then that punching bag thing he had down for awhile.
firday debbie calls me after no sleep and goes what are we doing today? i go depends do we have money? well i don't know till we take sabrina to the vet. well then nothing and she got all hush hush on me but didn't want to let me go so i spazed cuz i was so sleepy. woke and took sabrina to the vet. tabitha spent the night cuz she found a mouse in her house. (hey didn't i read that as a kid A mouse in a house) so she crahed over however not really kool so i didn't get to sleep untill 4am and i woke up at 5am to do christi's dishes cuz her "friend" was coming over to help her move her bed frame out.
i go back to sleep at like 6:30 and then 7:45 i get a call are you sleeping ??? yes i say i don't even know who the hell it is, then i get what would you like for breakfest??? i was like nothing i just want to sleep. and hung up. then tabitha woke me up at 9am cuz we had a wedding at noon so not kool.
then 1st thing she does is start running her trap like non stop and i'm doing that whole shaking& cold thing again mean while yelling shut the fuck up inside my head. i could of cryed. then she hops in the shower and she's getting ready and all i can think of is the story of tabitha being butt ass naked laying in the middle of a tent. and how she's in bath room for to long and i hope she's not laying in the middle of my bathroom butt ass naked praying or something. so we leave and get there half a hour before it starts and i look at her and go these are moments you never get back. so we go stand around always fun. then we take are seat the wedding was cute, the bride was short as hell. it was funny kinda sorta. then we had a few hours to kill between the wedding and dinner and went to mc'd and then tabitha's mother's house. always unkool. then we went to the dinner that was ok. then the dj started and i was good music but it was so not even kool, they started out with this oldies stuff and i'm like no as i see all the baby boomers rush out there to be lame. as george carlin says stop dancing your white your lame leave it alone. well anyways they start playing that song grease mix and the only thing i can think of is home coming 97 with j.r. rudy jenn jeff gina and who ever else and were all singing this damn song and it was fun and i thought how that time was over or what not and i got sad so i was like ok i'll make a phone call and as i stood up to make a call tabitha step dad grabbed me back story i had a abusive b/f once and a father. so i kinda freak cuz he pulled me by my arm hard. i was like let go he was come dance and i was like i don't wanna let go damn it and he was like ok fine. i went to the phone tabitha's mom walks by as i'm on the pay phone is everything alright i just said yes and rolled my eye's. so i spent the whole night hiding in the entery way with these chairs ppl walking past me asking where the bathroom's are. then this guy comes up and starts talking to me. his name is jeff how weird, he's tall and thin and half missing half his hair he's 21, lives at home with his mom who does pot. his sister is cute, this little 18year old dressed all hippyish i was like yay! i love hippy's he seemed ok i gave him my number cuz what the hell and looks mean less then shit really.
so yeah that was my weekend i did get some sleep today 13 hours but i needed it so bad you don't even understand, and that's about it

Current Mood: drained
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